Its been two years of stuckness. Two years of low inspiration, low creativity, low synchronicity and a loss of connection with the universe. I wondered time and time again, why am I here? What am I supposed to be learning from this? Where are my angel signs to show me what to do? And then I’d get swept up in the routine, the responsibility, the day to day….until the unanswered questions popped up again.
Lately, a vision kept coming to my mind. It was my mother’s face. She had a concerned, slightly agitated look on her face. The one she’d give me when she’d express concern for me, which I quickly dismissed as her ‘not getting me’. The look of a wiser, older person looking at a younger,more naive person who thinks they know it all. It was the look she gave me throughout every stage of my life when I put others before myself – friends, jobs, other people’s dreams.
Putting others before myself, its a reflex. A habit. Second nature. My go-to autopilot way of being. Its who I am. I am a giver. I give until I suck myself dry. I give and forget myself completely- every single time. And I know all about self-care and boundaries and their importance and I try to implement in subtle, fickle ways. But in the end, its always me, giving away my strength and health for others.
And it just dawned on me – this is my lesson.
This is my revelation.
This is what keeps slapping me in the face to learn.
Put yourself first.
And so I am. And BOOM! The angels are singing and throwing me all kinds of thumbs-up signs. Inspiration came flooding back, in the form of this post. Joy is in my heart again and the relief I feel is incredible. Already, within a few days, three separate people have told me I seem to be ‘coming back’.
So tonight I’ve come home with the smell of firewood in my hair and on my clothes after sitting with my sisters and talking about life. It feels so incredibly me again, I almost want to cry.
Thank you Ma. You really are always right.