Loneliness engulfs me whole
a blackness that allows only illusion of light
a pretence of non existence
but it’s there
louder and bigger with each denial
“it’s ok”, I say
“I’m fine”, I pray
“It’s my choice”, I say
it’s not.
it’s an outset of circumstance
much like illness or separation
a series of choices that led to this desperate situation
unconscious motivations that keep me alone and safe
a wall of fat surrounds my being
keeping me away from him
he won’t want me this way
heart is safe
I forgot what it’s like to love
yet all I want is to have sex with someone who I love
to feel that body soul connection to another human being
even if merely momentarily
to remember what it’s like to feel
to feel vulnerable and loved at the same time
to feel passion for another
to feel the strength of pull to another

to feel held.

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